countdown to christmas

the tree is up. christmas crafty-ness has begun. letters are written to santa. amazon wishlist is updated. and the girls are very excited for the holiday. i am starting to realize that the christmas holiday will need some deft maneuvering on my part to make sure that the girls don't get overly materialistic or brainwashed for the holiday. a hard thing to do when christmas is everywhere.

recently a good friend of mine told me "if you celebrate christmas you are a christian", which made me laugh in its stupidity. but then i thought about it, and realized that i really wish this was the case. I wish that christmas wasn't about buying copious amounts of toys and gifts. I wish christmas was something that was kept sacred for those who do believe in Jesus, and that the rest of us weren't pulled along by the commercialism of it all. To be honest, I feel like a hypocrite celebrating the birth of Jesus, and most of us non-believers should. I have contemplated trying to have only a "winter solstice" or "yule" celebration but i am fully aware that my girls expect Christmas in all its glory. It is a hard one, but one I will leave for future years, when the girls will understand.

One of my oldest and dearest friends was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness and never celebrated Christmas. Although she was told this was the right way, I know she always hoped for a Christmas celebration and felt left out when the holidays came around. I don't want my daughters to feel as if they were forbidden a Christmas when so many others celebrate it without any religious connection. Because truly, Ruby and Esme have no clue what Christians mean by Christmas. Even after attending the school Nativity play (don't get me started) Ruby still didn't get it. When I asked what Christmas was all about, Ruby said "angels and fairies" which was an OK answer for me.

So for now, we open up our chocolate advent calendar daily and count down the days until Santa comes on his sleigh delivering toys to the good little boys and girls. As usual we don't spend too much, but have some good ol' family time together.

autumn

Autumn and Spring are my favourite seasons, contrary to popular belief. Most would think that it was summer since i have proven to be such a sun-lover. But what I like about Spring and Autumn is that they remind us that life is constantly in flux, that things change, and that the colours of rebirth are the most beautiful of all.
I have many friends who are christian, and i won't diss them for their belief, but i have always seen life as cyclical, and therefore i have always believed that reincarnation is a grand probability. I don't mean the "i was marilyn monroe in my past life" or "i hope i come back as a housecat" type of reincarnation. What i mean is the thermodynamic idea that energy can not be created nor destroyed. I am going to wax hippy right here by saying that my chi has been here and will be here forever. That makes me happy, as the idea of heaven is comforting to some. To me autumn and spring are a visual and certain representation of this idea, so i am always happy to see the firey blaze of a tree in fall even if it means i will be freezing my ass off pretty soon. because after the cold those green tendrils of life will start to poke up out of the dirt and live all over again. (no i am not going to break into that Lion King song...)
Speaking of life and death, my grandmother died this past month, on November 27th. She died after a long battle of lymphoma, and i am sad that i had not seen her since 2005. To be honest, she was really my step-grandma, she was my maternal grandfather's second wife, but she was the only grandmother that i really liked. Grandma Doris was an optimist, a go-getter,a giver, a liver of life. yay for the positive people, boo to cancer.
we have been staying busy in dunbar. Ruby is taking swimming lessons 2 times a week, once as a private lesson and the other in her normal swim class. Esme is now going to playgroup one day a week, to get her more used to playing with a whole room of screaming children her own age. she starts pre-school next year (pre-school is 2 years here), so she best get used to the craziness! I helped with the Used Toy Sale at school which went very well. It always amazes me how much people will pay for other people's junk! i mean, look at ebay! but thankfully we raised over £400 for the pre-school classes, and had a good time too.

Bologna

David and I spent our 5th anniversary in Bologna, Italy! Yep, just the 2 of us! It was great, Italy never disappoints. The weather was nice, the food was amazing, and the company wasn't too shabby! We were only there for 3 nights, but it was a great getaway.

body image b.s.

i don't care how beautiful you are, or how intelligent or how secure, i would say everyone of us has a hang-up. I can't think of anyone i have ever known who hasn't had an issue with body-image, whether it be theirs or someone else's. i think with maturity and age, you realize that no one is perfect, and you learn to stop beating yourself up about your own imperfections. you begin to accept yourself for what you are, love yourself because you are unique and the only YOU you have. And somewhere out there, someone is going to love you for those flaws or because of those flaws. that is how it all works.

a friend drew my attention to a blog entry that i thought was amazing, and it gave me much food for thought. It is entitled "10 rules for fat girls" and is written by a woman who states that she is 300 pounds. It is an incredible read, and even if you are not overweight, i think it is quite insightful, for any one to read no matter what size. here is the link:

http://diannesylvan.com/?p=1358

I love what she says, but most importantly i love the fact that she writes about ending the cycle of shame, to not pass on body image issues to a younger generation. Life is hard enough for kids without their parents knocking on their looks or their shape. Self-deprecating comments only make children question "well, if that is wrong with them, what is wrong with me? everyone says i look just like them...." How are others going to love you if you don't show love for yourself? Also, don't talk crap about other people, it doesn't make you feel better about yourself, and well you just sound like a bitch. this was a hard one for me to learn, because it is quite normal for girls to grow up being catty about looks since so much importance is put on them. If you pick on everyone else, so will your child. where do we think bullying comes from? another wonderful thing learned at home!

most of my life, from teenage years until recently, i have had issues with my curves- especially the size of my hips. luckily for me, a few things have changed to take my focus off of my most hated feature. first of all, i grew up and realized the size of my hips was not a real issue like famine, racism, and well death. if my hips all of a sudden shrunk, would the world be a better place? no. secondly, my thyroid crapping out on me. now i have an actual health issue to deal with, something that will keep my body from feeling its best. no time to worry about hip size when i need to worry about feeling good and having energy. thirdly, i now have 2 beautiful girls that i don't want to hear me say anything negative about my own body. sure i am not as thin as i was pre-babies or pre-hypothyroidism, but it is much better to talk about being healthy and fit than despairing over a few extra pounds and inches. thin does not equate healthy! 'nuff said!

like i said earlier, for girls it is hard to get through life without worrying about looks. every so often when i tell Ruby that i love her, i tell her why. not only because she is beautiful, but because she is a great sister, and a wonderful daughter. because she is caring and kind to her friends. because she has a great laugh, and a super imagination...the list goes on and on until she tells me to stop. we are the sum of all parts, not just the physical. it is a lesson that needs to be learned early on in life.

lastly, to my friend who has thought she was fat since we were teenagers. shut up, and get over it. you are beautiful just the way you are, and if you lost 30 pounds or gained 300, you still would be. people love you for being smart and funny, and for being you. i have friends of all shapes and sizes, and i love them each for being my friend not for what size trousers they wear.

September 11th

everywhere i keep seeing the rememberances and the stories about this day 10 years ago. so here is my story.....

the weekend before September 11th was an amazing one. It was spent at the Oregon Coast with some of my closest friends. We had rented a big beach house and held a memorial to honor Roo. Amie had finally moved back to Oregon after Roo's death, and we put together the R.O.M.P (Roo's Oregon Memorial Party) to celebrate Roo's life, and to put his ashes into the Pacific at one of his favourite places, Hug Point. It was a beautiful weekend full of love and debauchery and tears and food, just how Roo would have liked it.

We were back in Portland on the 9th. Some friends flew home on Monday the 10th, and others were to fly home on the 11th. At about 5:50 am on September 11th our home phone rang. It was Edith, Iveris' sister calling to tell us of flight 11 crashing into the North tower. I was in bed when i heard Iveris on the phone, and then the sound of the TV in the living room. I knew something was wrong, no one would call us that early normally, and there was something about Iveris' voice that made me sit up in bed. I went down the stairs to our full living room (we had some people staying with us because of the R.O.M.P) and Iveris told me that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. I think like most people, I thought it was an accident, but as we watched the drama unfold, we learned it was anything but.... I remember feeling like the world had changed instantly. We were all wondering what this meant for us, when would the world go back to normal, if this was just the beginning of something bigger, the world spun out of control.

I had to tear myself away from the TV and get to work. I had about a 45 minute commute to my teaching job, and I was catatonic. NY was my city, the capital of the world, and it had been attacked. I got in my car and turned on Howard Stern instead of NPR. I knew he would have cabbies and people calling in from near the WTC, and it would be uncensored new yorkers. I was about half way to school when the first tower fell. i couldn't believe what i was hearing, i couldn't believe i was supposed to work that day, to stand in front of classes of teenagers acting as if the world was sane, that things would be OK. Somehow i did it. My TV was on all day, we didn't do much in class that day. It is really all a blur, but i do remember the first student to walk into my class. He sat at his desk, looked at me and said "Ms. G, how could this happen?" All i could reply was "i don't know".

I was in a daze, but some things stick with you. How quiet the hallways were at school. The first time you watched the tower fall. The worried eyes of my students. The unraveling of the mystery as to who did it. The pictures of the survivors covered in dust. Video of the throngs of people trying to make it off Manhattan on the Brooklyn Bridge. Kim worried she wouldn't get back home. The phone calls where you just didn't know what to say. The fear. The hate.

In the weeks following I changed my curriculum so I could teach my students more about what lead to September 11th - The history, the culture, the faith. I had heard too much hate coming out of the mouths of young people to allow lies and misinterpretation rule them. I need them to realize that not all muslims felt the way the terrorists did. For me it had been a terrible time and 2001 is for me a year synonymous with sadness.

10 years later, i feel we are worse off than ever. the "war on terror" has not re-claimed our safety, it has made the world more polarized and has caused the rise of fundamentalism on all sides. friends have died in iraq, and some have come home changed forever. the wounds are still there even if ground zero has been reborn as a memorial to those who died and to our innocence lost.

jesus bus

sometimes i feel like i am living in an alternate universe, a sorta bizarro world that looks quite normal 97% of the time but then... WHAM! something crazy occurs. take this week for instance, when i saw the jesus bus backing onto the primary school playground. yep, you heard it... a bus specifically designed( and emblazoned with a big-ass cross) to bring the gospel to people parked on school property. not only would this not fly in the US, but it would be ILLEGAL as well. i was floored, i was aghast, and damn right i was pissed.

now, you need to remember i live in scotland where most people are white, and most people are christian. the Acts of Union 1707 created a link between the government and the protestant faith, hence there is no separation of church and state like we are used to in the US. Winter break is still called "Christmas Break" and hence Spring Break is "Easter Break". None of this seems OK to little ol' heathen me. WE ARE NOT ALL CHRISTIANS!!! On the news here they speak of "an increasing number of homegrown jihadists" and i would think there is a direct correlation between this and the fact that an increasing number of people in the UK don't celebrate Christmas or don't want to jump aboard the jesus bus. alienation breeds dissent, and in some cases terror.

on the second day that the bus was at the school (it was there 3 days), i asked ruby's teacher nonchalantly"so, what is up with the bus?" She told me it was there so "kids could go into it if they wanted to, and they sing songs and stuff like that." Sounded quite innocent, not all fire and brimstone like i was assuming.... but leaving the school that day i saw a class of 2nd year kids being lined up by their teacher to go onto the bus, and it didn't look like the kids had a choice whether or not they were there. And to be honest what 6 year old would not want to leave the stuffy classroom to go sit on a cool blue double-decker bus and sing? but i ask, is this right? and shouldn't the parents of the kids been told about this prior to the jesus sing-along? and who are these people anyway? i mean, Jonestown seemed innocent at first, right???

And what does this have to do with curriculum? this is not a religious school, this is a public school. Are the kids being told this is only one of many ways of viewing the world? certainly doubt the dudes on the bus are saying that. they wouldn't be all happy-clappy living their lives in a run down blue bus if they didn't think their way was the best and only way, all others be damned.

if tomorrow i walk to school and see a muhammed bus, or a shiva bus, or even a buddha bus, i would simmer down. but i don't see that happening, much less condoned by the administration or by parents. but to me, only a jesus bus equals indoctrination, while a plethora of buses would lend to cultural understanding.

all good

i am feeling really good lately, and i might even try to say that i am almost back to my normal pre-hypothyroid self. 2 months ago my doctor upped my meds to 100mcg, and slowly over the past few weeks things are all good. We can probably factor in our warmer/sunnier weather into the equation, but what ever it may be, i am more me than i have been in the past year. more energy and i have finally started to lose the baby weight that i put on with my pregnancy with esme.
through out the past year, i have tried to refrain from talking about my few extra inches outloud, simply because i am the mother of 2 little impressionable girls. 2 beautiful girls that i do not want to grow up with body image issues, 2 little girls that i try to insulate as much as possible from the media that makes one think that thin is healthy. It is a tough job, and i am constantly keeping an eye open and my ears tuned to it all. luckily thanks to DVDs and the DVR, we can skip many commercials, but i know people say things that the girls wonder about daily. Last fall Ruby said something about "eating makes you fat" which she heard from a friend of hers. Sadly that 3 year old is getting that message at home. Other girls have said things like "lose weight" and "on a diet" because their mothers go to Weight Watchers. Sure we must keep an eye on childhood obesity, but lets face it, thin does not mean healthy or fit. In our house we try to talk about healthy and fit as opposed to fat and skinny. An anorexic might be thin, but is that healthy? could they run 100 yards or ride a bike to school? Probably not.